The major focus of this year, both privately (my life) and publically (Wesley) is making disciples. this has been for my entire walk with the Lord been the weakest and often most nonexistent part of my walk with the Lord. Where passion should be is selfish negligence.
Of course I care about other people and their souls and want for all of us to be in heaven together. But if I am honest, what I mean to say is that I hope you can find it salvation on your own. The past two years have been a struggle spiritually. I have seen a lot of growth and a lot of good. The old man is being put to death and the new me is rising from the ashes of sin. Making disciples though is rough stuff. I don't like to be out of my comfort zone.
The Lord, in his patient and loving grace, gently convicts me still. He convicts me of my complacency. He ever so gently shows me how much his grace means to me when I forget myself. Against his wise instruction I look to the right and the left after He told me to keep my eyes straight ahead. Like the shepherd rescuing me from the lion or bear though, he leads me back and celebrates my return.
Today the Lord convicted me of all the times I have passed up sharing the Good News with my friends. The things I have said. The bumbling excuses and evasions. The paralyzing fear of rejection from someone I care deeply for.
I had a friend die my junior year of high school. Zohaib Somani. He had been a good friend for years at that point. My partner in crime in whatever class we had together. Those details are lost to time now. I remember hearing about his death. It happened late one night. I woke up to the news. In what seemed like a blur, it had been a week. Even at his funeral I hadn't mourned his death. The gut punch of reality telling me my time was shorter than I thought it was. What ate at me more than anything though, and eventually brought me to tears, was that I didn't know, for sure, if I would see him in heaven. I was a very young Christian and had just assumed that Gods grace covered everything. He was Muslim though. Not a Christian. I had heard him talk about God before, often in a derogatory manner and thought that as long I didn't laugh things were okay. I blamed myself.
I know of course that I have no fault in the matter. What I did have and still do have was and is conviction. For months I thought of things I could've said to him. Instead of pitiful silence when he blasphemed the God who saved my life I had what if I had told him how precious He is to me. What if I had told him the story of my life. The Lord preformed a straight up biblical miracle in my life. I knew a love that surpassed my wildest imagination. These things were left unsaid.
Coming back to the present, these thoughts still stick with me. I am not the perfect witness. I still sin. In the last 7 days I have struggled with lust, forgiveness, bitterness, anger, retaliation, gossip, pure thoughts...the list goes on. I think of the people I want to know the Lord but have always avoided talking until it was easy. The Lord always convicts me of my imperfections. Not to shame me but instead to show me how qualified I am. I am not a sinner in His eyes. I am His beloved. His son. Heir to His throne. My life is a miracle that does speaks for itself. I do not have to offer a defense for my life. All I need to do is trust and speak
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