Thursday, January 2, 2014

Me & Jesus

Welcome to 2014 y'all.  I want to kick off this year by saying that I am bad at doing things.  In fact, I suck at these "things".  By "things" i mean the things that matter.  Most people are good at doing menial things.  Sending an email, washing their clothes/dishes, or even brushing their teeth.  When these "things" begin to matter however, I become pretty reluctant to do whatever that "thing" is.

Example time.  Having a much needed conversation with a roommate, sibling, parent, significant other, whoever it might be, having that conversation is rather difficult and all I would like to do is not have said conversation.  Maybe it is a parents bad habit, or a friend's questionable relationship.  I sometimes justify not talking to this person because having the conversation will not serve much of a purpose other than to voice my displeasure (after all, it shouldn't be all about me right?) Other times i refuse the conversation simply because avoiding the confrontation is far more comfortable (unless I do not know the person all that well, then I have no problem with confrontation.) In the end, i don't have the conversation because silence is the best way to protect myself from whatever it is my mind has conjured up that I am trying to avoid. I consider it kind of pathetic and it is something that I want to change this upcoming year.

Another "thing" that I am bad at is taking care of myself spiritually.  I know that is not a thing that christians are supposed to admit but it is something I am bad at.  By taking care of myself, I mean stuff like daily repentance, daily reading the word, appealing to my Almighty Father for help and love and the like.  I am bad at it.

I was watching a podcast over at my friend Katie's house the other night and this pastor is preaching out of Titus two.  Essentially the passage is about what living as a christian should look like.  Convicted me for sure because I look at the scripture and see that on the large, the lifestyle it describes is not the one I lead.  I think further on the examples of the "christian life" around me that I see in pastors, parents, friends, and even in the stories in the bible.  That life is not there! Drives me crazy sometimes because I hear pastors say sometimes and read other times that, as a believer, if you love the Lord, your life will look like XYZ.  Bahhumbug to that because I must have missed the Holiness Ferry to the land of Christiandom.  I love the Lord and I know that I do. So clearly my love must not be big enough, not exuberant enough.  Or maybe I am not hermit like enough for my love to shine through.  Could it be I do not dress enough like a hipster for my Love of the Lord to be considered real and I do not like to sip local coffee use Instagram enough.  Maybe I am not made of the right stuff to have lasting, real, relationship with my Precious Jesus.

Now I know that there is a lot of self-help crap and books and prosperity gospel stuff that I could plug into this issue and fix it.  But here is what I think my problem is: All that stuff above is noise and it all overshadows what is true. What is true is that it is not my job to have it figured out.  In other words, I do not have to be Francis Chan right now or ever.  The Truth found in scripture is the same for each of us but the application and the general timeline of that application is different.  I also need to quit trying to be the best at prayer, scripture memory, fasting, disciple making, and tithing all in one day.  Pride is terrible thing and I think that it is the undercurrent that drives this within me.

To kick off the new year I want to start out by saying that I suck at doing "things".  I suck at loving the Lord with all of my heart every second of every day.  I suck at reading and loving to read the Word.  I suck at treating other Christians with love often more than non-believers.  I suck at the little things.  More often than not I am selfish and do what is comfortable.  I put up walls in front of those I love so that maybe they will not notice.  Simple said, I suck.

It is okay though because I do love Jesus, and He knows my heart.  He made me a promise when he died on that cross for me.  He promised to take all of my "suck" and make it beautiful.  Every bad habit He promised to purge away.  Every spiritual discipline that I am bad at doing, He promised to teach me.  He promised to take my hand and walk me through the rough patches of life so that he can raise me up to glorify him on the other side.  Who I am not is not who I will be six months from now because of the love of God and how it manifests in my life.

Every new year begins with a bit of suckiness.  But that is okay, because we have a God that is committed to taking our suckiness and making us better than we were.  SO this year, I will get better at these "things" not because I want to master these things, but because I want to grow closer to the Lord who loves me and will help me.  God Bless and Happy New Year